


it's not that hard to say

by phanetixs



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, BONCAS, Fluff, M/M, TATINOF, a not so concise summary of my thoughts on 2016 phan, all sorts of stuff, busgate, what a year to be alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 16:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9132610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanetixs/pseuds/phanetixs
Summary: "They’ve both been scared for a good seven years now. No book ever tells you what to do when you’re in that position."Or, 2016 told in a series of moments and realisations that have been a long time coming.Now translated toRussian!!





	

**Author's Note:**

> ok it's very telling that I decide to spend the last night of 2016 writing in bed, but here I am. these are my weird thoughts on 2016 phan (i've probably forgotten tons of other important moments whilst writing this, i apologise).
> 
> let me know if they make sense (i might have taken medication for a persistent fever tonight), or if you agree with some of my theories as well! enjoy, buddies :)

 

It starts early 2016: _too_ early, Phil supposes, wrapped up in his duvet, wind blasting at the chilled windowsill. The new year with the same old shitty English weather. Phil isn’t surprised in the slightest. Other things that don’t surprise him are: Dan’s left arm curling at his waist but his breathing uneven like he’s already awake and he’s subconsciously rubbing his legs against Phil’s in a poor attempt to gain body warmth.

“Phil-“ Dan whispers into his ear. And Phil, halfway between the dream about sentient hairbrushes and cold toes nudging into his calf, groans thoroughly. He shifts his weight to face Dan entirely, eyes closed and patting his hip to placate his crisis this morning. He feels it in the way Dan rubs his back hesitantly, doesn’t kiss him awake.

“Phil, I want 2016 to-“ Dan begins again and because Phil’s sentimentality is low at- he glances at the clock past Dan’s shoulder- _7:42 a.m.,_ he tries his level best to shush Dan, pulls the duvet comfortably over them again and places a quick kiss on the tip of his nose. He feels the hangover from their party before pounding at him; he’s pretty sure PJ and Felix are still cuddled up in the lounge. And it’s fuck o’clock in the morning and Phil just wants to sleep.

“ _Phil_ ,” Dan says, exasperated then, and it’s enough in his tone for Phil to crack both eyes open, watches as Dan bites his lips as if contemplating the universe. “I want 2016 to be _different_ , that’s all.” He looks shy all of a sudden, won’t quite meet Phil’s eyes and Phil huffs out a laugh. That sounds more condescending that it should and he feels more sober at the way Dan looks away abruptly.

Phil isn’t laughing at _Dan_ , not at all. He finds humour in subtext that claims: _I want_ us _to be different this year._ Which isn’t exactly _possible_ in the context that Dan means. They’re already toeing the boundaries- half-heartedly put up, Phil can’t deny that- and any more _different_ would mean going the whole nine-yards: doing what they could have done if they’d admitted the genuine feelings blossoming in Manchester, if they hadn’t resented the video that found its way to a larger audience than Dan at the time. They’d decided long ago, subconsciously and without much thought, that it would be _Dan & Phil, _business partners, a power _duo_ in a broader sense of the word; and not, _DanandPhil,_ professional Youtube boyfriends if anything else. 

It’s the _ambiguity_ of their current situation that fuels their success, for the most part. Which is why _different_ sounds so honest, and scary, and so: Phil laughs.

But, Dan’s eyes were so open and _bright_ as he whispered the words- he knows fully well they won’t be able to go back from this, if anything _does_ happen- and it reminds Phil of 2009 and not giving a shit about their flirty interactions and nothing like 2011 when they first propose the false pretence of being just friends, _flatmates_ at the most. 

But the comfortability of this bubble they’ve concocted a bit too pleasant for the now _7:50 a.m._ on a Saturday; Phil hears snores from their living room and guides Dan back to the safety of his chest, says honestly, “Maybe it will.”

 

-

 

Professionally, 2016 is about the _same_ as the year before. They’ve sold their souls to more tours, other big projects over the course of twelve months: America being the biggest endeavour they tackle in the first half of the year. It’s slightly unnerving to have cameras around the both of them twenty-four seven, some large the size of proper movie ones; others small as the lens of their iPhones. They capture angles on Phil’s face he didn’t know existed, small moments like breakfast shared in the moving bus; Dan fixing Phil’s fringe before they go on stage to big, _huge_ moments like signs raised at the end of shows- _This is the most fun we’ve ever had._

Phil looks at Dan and agrees whole-heartedly.

Being analysed, scrutinised with every pixel of a camera isn’t much like the debacle of 2012, they both realise even with their fears on high alert. In fact, Phil thinks, it’s the complete _opposite_. With the both of them being the focus of multiple cameras, underthrum of fondness evident with each coast they venture to, they unconsciously decide it’s too troublesome to keep up their facade of _just friends_ day and night for the entirety of the three month tour. They have little fucks to give between shows; letting their heads loll onto the other’s shoulders in small diners in Phoenix, letting the camera capture what it wants- what the fans _want_ so desperately to be privy to.

They are obvious in their subtlety. 

They share anecdotes with details that don’t quite match up, post photos of the other without checking thoroughly its background for any hints, it’s hotel rooms with a single bed sometimes. And it’s visiting the other’s room when they’re unfortunately given two. It’s days out in states they’ve never heard of, signing everything off with a _Dan and Phil:_ which now means something completely new; genuine and free and still _worried_ but not when they have each other. It’s something 2009 would’ve known if they’d given it enough time and 2012 should’ve realised with the slamming of the doors and clipped arguments of _we can’t be seen together, Phil, they’ll know._

There are blips in the radar this 2016, not every turning point in life going as smoothly as rom-coms would imply. There is Dan thinking that sharing a room for three months straight (or more specifically, letting people think that) is as much of a _coming out_ as a video would be. That sharing an intimate space for that long is bound to give everyone more _ammunition_ in presuming the extent of their partnership. 

They’ve both been scared for a good seven years now. No book ever tells you what to do when you’re in that position.

Naturally, they go out of their way to hint at the opposite because fear makes you do involuntary things when you are shrouded by it. A _rock paper scissors_ conspiracy because they’re _nine_ , apparently, and it doesn’t feel like _lying_ when it’s slightly immature. They tweet and there are videos made that it somehow manages to sustain the vagueness of it all.

It’s not quite _change_ but they’re getting there.

 

-

 

After a hiatus of snacks, Britain, tv shows and plenty of sleep, they’re off again: Australia with a dash of two major documentaries and a book. Phil might rethink the _plenty of sleep_ part, he’s sure he sacrificed it for multiple early morning visits to their publishers, to YouTube Red and reading over contracts for their faces to be printed on fucking giant _billboards_ in California _-_ Jesus _Christ_. 

Everything is _exhausting_ , exhilarating but exhausting all the same. It’s endless phone calls interrupting attempts at sex, watching through hours and hours of footage to get the best moments of their tour; this time wary with what they would potentially share with an audience of ten million- if YouTube wasn’t shitting them and actually meant _oops only ten people will buy your movies, soz._

They don’t want it to crash and burn.

Still, when Dan turns to him after a solid ten hours of editing, looks on whilst Phil watches their little moment in bed; sleep-rumpled hair and unnecessary kissy faces, he thinks this might be the _most_ revealing thing about them on the Internet since Valentine’s of 2010. Dan reasons, _it’s sweet, they’ll like it,_ with eyes wide and heart bare on his chest. Six years later and this is Dan’s version of a _reply_ to all that Phil had to offer then. He says, _yes,_ quickly as his heart lurches in his chest, but it’s enough to see Dan dimple so much it lasts until they fall into the easiest sleep they have in months.

He feels a soft shift after that. Australia is a bit of their last big _hurrah_ because Europe afterwards would be smaller and technically, Australia is a completely different continent on the other side of the world so it’s as exotic as Japan was. Which is probably why Australia is far more pleasant than any of their tours; it’s warm and Phil falls so quickly in love with the animals, and they _actually_ have time to plan a _Day in the Life._ A video that starts off in two separate rooms and ends in only _one_ and it’s true enough that they don’t feel a whole lot of guilt about when watching it back after. 

Soon, the documentaries come out, the book, and they shut their phones for a whole day afterwards as they figure out what to do _next._ Like this entire chunk of their lives is coming to an end and they have to look beyond the gold jackets now. If they will move out and get a nice big house on the edge of London. If they would be happy if the _fans_ knew about it.

It’s an updated version of their long, drawn-out conversation in 2013 when they finally came to their senses and locked doors became shared beds again. That was when their popularity was at its peak and the smartest way to go about it was to _monopolize_ on their growing fame. This time, though, it’s talking about _them_ , their relationship, realising that the past year was exhausting only because they had to draw back when the other reached for their hand on the street, Phil having to put a good two inches between him and Dan in fan photographs. The fact that they had to revert to a _kids’ game_ to prove a _lie._

The answer of it all still lies out in the open, hovering close over them but still above the line of sight. 

Until the BONCA awards, that is. 

Until two awards in and Phil is called up on stage for the main prize of the night and thinks briefly, _I really want to kiss Dan right now,_ and coming to the abrupt realisation that he really _can’t._ It’s Phil going up on stage and catching Dan’s eye, thinking of the past seven years and all they’ve achieved together. It’s Dan’s eyes lighting up when Phil calls the other man up, thinking it’s the least he could do for his boyfriend, _soulmate-_ because he’s allowed to be sappy tonight. It’s winning the best award of his career and wondering what it would feel like for Dan’s palm to be in his as he stands at the podium. Little things like that.

The mutual fear of losing their following; being called words derogatory and hurtful, called _liars_ by the majority of them; overwhelming emotions then, inconvenient ones now. They’ve been through so much and it’s astounding to Phil, under the bright lights as he dances to their final performance of the tour _ever_ in that auditorium in Sweden, that he can’t even press a fleeting kiss to Dan’s cheek at the raucous applause.

It’s moments like these at the end of 2016; big but incomplete, that leads Phil to propose _Gamingmas_ as a prelude to _true_ and uninhibited moments that will come in the future. Dan, to his surprise, completely agrees and there are numerous subsequent blowjobs for _emphasis_ on his part. 

 

-

 

It’s Dan who initiated the idea of change on the first day of 2016 that it’s only right for Phil to come full circle on its very last. 

There are several moments left to 2016; a year of highs and lows for the pair of them, accolades and sweet and simple moments grounding them through it all. Phil sidles up to Dan from behind, wraps two arms around his waist and whispers amiably into his ear, “Had a nice year?”

And Dan scoffs in response, swivels around to meet Phil and around them, the crowd begins to count down.

“ _Wonderful_ , and you?”

Phil takes a deep breath. “ _Different_ for sure, but I loved it.” He watches Dan remember the scene from bed all those months ago and smiles fondly, easily: they’ve found their true happiness somewhere along the long highways in Texas and the three platinum hashtags on the shelf and a lighted ampersand above it.

“Me too.”

They ring in 2017 with a loud kiss and unbridled hope for the future and it’ll be all they’ve wanted since their first interaction on the Internet back then: two lost boys finding their way to each other.

And _more._

**Author's Note:**

> im always slightly astounded at how far my writing has come since the first work i posted in may of 2016, and that's all thanks to your support (in the form of kudos or comments) and for posting your marvellous writing on this site for me to be in awe of. as this year comes to a close, i can only wish you all with the best that life has to offer in the coming 365.
> 
> im at phanetixs.tumblr.com if you ever wanted to chat!
> 
> see ya friendos, have a wonderful day :)


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